Building a Successful Second Marriage: Tips and Strategies
For many remarried individuals, coming out of an adversarial or unhappy first (or second) marriage and going through a divorce makes them wiser and better able to appreciate a new partner who is cut from a different cloth than their ex-spouse. Building a successful second or third marriage takes time and patience, especially when coming out of a divorce. People will consciously select a partner who shares their view of marriage, values, interests, and even sense of humor.
Building a Successful Second Marriage…It Takes Time
Many relationships after divorce require careful navigation, especially when building a new family dynamic in a second marriage. Most experts agree that it can take a remarried couple up to four years to reach a state of equilibrium after getting married. For instance, Will, 48, and Marie, 47, were not prepared for the struggles between themselves and their children. Will’s ten-year-old daughter, Katie, spends weekends with them and Marie’s thirteen-year-old twins, Tess and Abby, live with them full-time.
Communication is Key
Taking your time to decide the kind of marriage that would work for you can be a silver lining to divorce because you’ll be more likely to go into your second or third marriage with your eyes wide open. And the fact of the matter is that you can create a more fulfilling remarriage if you give yourself permission to be vulnerable and use a "soft start-up" which isn’t harsh and sets the stage for listening and a non-blameful dialogue, according to psychologist Ellie Lisitsa. The goal is to avoid "You" statements such as "You never listen to me," and telling your partner how you feel (using "I" statements), such as "I’m worried about our finances."
Get Better at Repair Skills
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman describes repair attempts as the secret weapon that emotionally intelligent couples’ employ that allows their marriage to flourish rather than flounder. A repair attempt is any statement or action – verbal, physical, or otherwise – intended to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating. In over forty years of research in his classic "Love Lab" studies, Dr. Gottman discovered that the number one solution to marital problems is to get good at repair skills after an argument. He explains that repair attempts allow a couple to feel heard and they’re an important way to avoid resentment.
7 Ways to Make Your Second Marriage Successful
- Make your marriage a priority. Make a plan as a couple to do things you enjoy with and without your children. A "date night" or couples time can be very enriching – even if it’s going for a walk or grabbing a sandwich at a restaurant together.
- Develop daily and weekly rituals of connection. Put two to three hours of alone time on your calendar weekly. This time can be broken into thirty-minute intervals or spent in longer blocks of time.
- Spend time with your partner in new ways. For instance, playing pickle ball or taking ballroom dancing lessons. Choose activities that are pleasurable to both of you. This will ensure that you’ll follow through. Rotate selecting the activities you’ll participate in. They can be low – or – no cost activities such as a picnic or playing games.
- Establish an open-ended dialogue between you and your partner. Don’t be surprised if some of your discussions are heated – especially around hot-button issues such as money, chores, vacations, etc. Remarried couples bring emotional baggage with them from their first marriage so be sure to set ground rules for respectful conduct such as "No name-calling or yelling is allowed."
- Make money talks a habit. Plan time for regular money talks where you mostly talk about finances. These check-ins need to include updates on short and long-term goals that incorporate your shared vision for the future. Focus on listening, being transparent, and validating each other’s perspective. Try to meet at least once a month (or more often if needed).
- Turn toward your partner and use active listening skills. In The Love Prescription, Dr.’s John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman write that how couples respond to bids for connection is the biggest predictor of their happiness. This means responding to your partner’s overtures by having good eye contact and making positive comments (turn toward them) rather than turning away (screen time) or against (walking away or changing the topic). And saying things like "I’m interested in what you have to say" rather than "I’m too busy to talk to you."
- Get good at repair attempts. A good rule of thumb is to make repair attempts after an argument or regrettable incident by processing what happened without reigniting the argument. Learning to repair and deescalate during conflict are vital skills for couples. According to Gottman research successful conflict management ideally is about hearing each other’s position and understanding the dreams hidden beneath the surface of your disagreement.
Conclusion
The path to a successful marriage after divorce often involves learning from past relationships and taking time to build new, healthy patterns. Many couples find that their second marriage becomes stronger by actively working on their relationship skills and family dynamics. Determination, respect, acceptance, patience, and having a good sense of humor can go a long way to improving your chances of success the second (or third) time around.
FAQs
Q: How long does it take for a remarried couple to reach a state of equilibrium after getting married?
A: According to most experts, it can take up to four years.
Q: What is the key to a successful second marriage?
A: Building a successful second marriage takes time and patience, especially when coming out of a divorce. People will consciously select a partner who shares their view of marriage, values, interests, and even sense of humor.
Q: What is a repair attempt in a relationship?
A: A repair attempt is any statement or action – verbal, physical, or otherwise – intended to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating.